Dear Reviewer of Somebody Else's Fic,

Take a good long look at what you wrote:

( Cut for mention of rape and lots of capslock profanity )
No Love,
Me

Dear Kouta Hirano

( Hellsing ending rant )

Granted, these are only a fraction of the problems I had with the manga (mostly from chapter 67 onward), but it's by far the biggest headdesk moment for me, even moreso than Alucard's "death" and subsequent "ressurection."

O hai, smut writers. I have a bone to pick a point of contention with some of you. Here is an example fanfic quote:

Eventually, the need for oxygen drove him to surface, gasping for air.

Is this quote (from a favorite fic, I might add) referring to undersea diving? No! It is referring to smooching! This is only one of many similar sentences which I have encountered. What is with all the characters who gotta stop smoochin' on account of being out of breath? This is not difficult, like walking and chewing gum; no, breathing through one's nose is an elementary life skill for most individuals, and personal experience demonstrates that it is usually possible to employ that skill during smooching.

Writers who use this "can't breath while kissing" trope--do your characters have chronic sinus congestion? Are they snogging giant tentacle monsters, whose suckers were haphazardly and inconveniently placed over all the smoochee's available breathing orifices? Are they noseless creatures from beyond the Moon? Rat would like to know this.

Thank you for your time.

Hi! Chi here. I just joined up with my first character, Nick from Left 4 Dead 2. He's pretty much a con-man, gambler, and asshole. Something of a lady's man too. I'm looking forward to playing with all of you here!

If you want to contact me or anything, I can usually be found around AIM at shoot the tongues. (:

friend add sharp_dressing

♥

Hey, everyone! Linda here with her second character: Nunnally vi Britannia from Code Geass. She's blind, crippled, and currently in control of Area 11 (AKA Japan) back at home, so, uh.

Also, bear with me, please. I've never played a character like this before, so it might take me a while to get a good handle on her. Thanks!

Either use the hover or friend add gentlecranes! <3

The Sentinel Fandom,

You don't have to have Jim call Blair a neo-hippie, witch-doctor punk in practically every fic. Honestly, you don't. Even if it is an AU and you want to establish how IC your AU Jim and Blair really are. That great moment in Sentinel History has already passed.

Oh, FFS. No, I have never wondered why the Doctor wears long-sleeved tops all the time. It's his outfit. I assume this was Ten (I didn't really read past "have you ever wondered..."), and therefore the outfit in question would be a suit and trainers. Regardless of which Doctor it is, he doesn't really deviate from the outfit, and most men's fashions involve long sleeves. It's not remotely surprising.

Sure, everyone has the right to their own interpretation, DL;DR, etc, etc, but mine is this: cutting is a way of releasing emotional stress, and the Doctor seems pretty determined to keep his angst. I won't argue against his self-destructive tendancies, but I really think that he shows it in other ways: running around getting into trouble, pushing away everyone who loves him, that time he tried to kill himself by standing there dramatically while the ship fell apart around him, to name a few from canon. Dramatic stuff which he can kind of deny if he tries hard enough, and which *adds* to his angst-level rather than detracting from it.

To be fair, though, I didn't think I could believe Rodney with an ED either, yet somebody made it work. I don't think this author is the one, but it's theoretically possible.

In HP, there are things that would pose a major hassle for a Muggle but be a relatively minor inconvenience to an adult wizard. For example, if Harry is caught in a major storm, he can either Apparate to safety or conjure up shelter and send a Patronus for help. He isn't going to have to re-enact the Hatchet with his girlfriend in tow. Also, if you think a character is OOC, why are you posting. It's already been two and a half months since you posted the first chapter. Your readers will wait for you to do another draft.

Off topic, but my flist is so small that I can't get a representative sample. How much cultural literacy do you expect your readers to have? I write in HP fandom and I had one character retell the story of Scheherazade from 1001 Nights and several readers wrote in to ask if it was a real story. Since the premise of the fic is that character serving as a kind of Scheherazade for another character, I was a bit concerned. I thought it was one of those stories Americans and Brits at least learned by cultural osmosis. Any advice on how to handle this sort of thing better in the future so I don't get ranted about for making obscure references?

... or *seriously* hung...

I'm pretty sure you didn't mean to say your characters are having penetrative sex 'back to back'.

In fact, after reading the rest of the paragraph, I'm sure you meant, 'back to front', as in both parties facing the same wall.  That will work well a few different ways.  But seriously, I stopped reading for a full two minutes trying to figure out how they were going to get it on 'back to back'.

Dear  Sweeney Todd authors,

Unless you're writing a modern day AU, Mrs. Lovett (or any other woman) should not be wearing her corset over her dress. No, seriously, she shouldn't, because she'd look like a damned lunatic. In the Victorian period, "corset" referred exclusively to an undergarment. It'd be like me wearing my bra over my shirt, but with added moral outrage from the neighbors. Cut it out.

Love,
Me

P.S. I have some issues with corset-style tops being called corsets, too, but that's not important right now.

Okay, I know that fan fiction shouldn't be srz bzns or whatever, but can we please have a pairing fic for my current fandom that doesn't have the characters spending paragraphs upon paragraphs going "woe is me!" Because I don't find it dramatic, i just want to yell at the author that she needs to have these characters freakin' communicate to get there problems sorted out. And I don't want to yell at the author because normally her exuberance about everything makes me feel so much happier at the end of the day. But when a character starts cutting themselves* I click the back-button like mad on something I had started to like.

Bonus rant: Fan fiction sections on forums are not a place to have a topic to say "There will be fics here eventually!" Forums don't operate the same as archives, so I try to be accepting, but if you don't even have a basic plot to entice us with, this just seems like spam to me.

*in my current fandom, how the heck is this even possible?!

Okay, standard fanfic trope: Rose gets kidnapped by aliens and traumatized. You, author, decide to dial it up to 11 with sexual assault (of course) and torture. The Doctor rescues her (of course). Then he goes on a Roaring Rampage of Revenge, grabs a gun (!) and goes charging into the alien stronghold without a plan (?) intent on killing every last mother's son of them (?!). And gets himself captured by the alien sadists (of course) and despairs that there's no way out (??). Then Rose, proving that she's not too bright herself in this fic, goes wandering, still not recovered, away from the TARDIS just so the aliens can pick her up again (of course) and shove her and the Doctor together for a shag-or-die scenario(!?!). Whereupon I stopped reading, because even I am not that big of a masochist. :-P

No. First of all, the Doctor doesn't generally burn hot, not unless his anger comes from fear. He burns cold. If something like that happened to Rose--really, to any of his companions while they were under his protection--he would absolutely make the perps pay. He would not, however, go charging in WITH A GUN (especially not as this is Ten, who hates guns) in order to massacre the lot of them. That's just stupid, and the Doctor, thick as he can be sometimes, is not stupid. If he were intent on killing them all, he's got way more resources at his disposal than mere projectile weapons. And though he often does go in seemingly without a plan, his brain is always two steps ahead, and if he gets captured, it's usually part of his Xanatos Gambit. Furthermore, when the Doctor is angry, truly angry, he's at his most dangerous, and his most dangerous rarely involves something as simple as shooting a bitch.

TL;DR--The author sets up a shag-or-die scenario in just about the worst way possible, requiring that the Doctor sacrifice most of his prodigious IQ and his basic personality in order to make it work.

Title: Words in Context (Part I)
Day/Theme: Jan 7th / if he have a poetic vein
Series: Kat-tun (RPS)
Character/Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Ueda Tatsuya
Rating: PG-13

( "You almost got me there." )

Unless you're doing MST, no character in a show is going to refer to seasons of that show. For example, in SGA, S5 John is not going to remind Rodney of an event that happened a few years ago by saying, "Remember back in Season 1...?"

Yeah, no. I'd love to believe that it was just a clever joke that went over my head, but reading through some of your other stuff, I don't think that's the case.

Dear Author-of-Love,

You're story is great! I love/d it. A very good thing, as it's a WIP.

Let's talk about chapters, though. Or, pacing really, as that's what I had an issue with. You have ten chapters. AWESOME! You started uploading two weeks ago, so it's good to have a steady up-date plan. Only, see, the way your plot goes (and it's a generic!plot so you really need to keep on top of these things), you really should have fourteen or fifteen.

Why? Well, your Plot-in-a-Box is the 'main-character-gets-kidnapped-and-tortured-and-people-have-to-pick-up-the-pieces' flavor. And the kidnapping only gets mentioned in a sentence. Which I'm fine with; sometimes the torture is more fun to write, but the torture, and rescue, and all this are completed in the first chapter. One. Not even the whole chapter, as then you have 'WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY PREY!!!!' in there as well.

It's feeling a bit rushed.

And ten chapters in, that main character is STILL OUT OF IT. MC woke up, but he's now catatonic (which, BTW, is the RIGHT WORD. Schizophrenic is someone who hears voices).

Also? Through=/=threw=/=thru. So dictionary, for Texas' sake.

Mildly amused and really hoping you fix this,
KIK



Also, Other Non-Love Author?

Kenpachi would NOT freak if Ikkaku broke his arm. Considering that the guy probably breaks a bone every time he trains with his Capt, I seriously doubt your characterization. Esp when you have him waiting in the 4th Division for news.

ETA: Fail for no spell check.

I enjoy a Jack-without-all-his-marbles-in-one-place as much as anyone. I enjoy a dangerous Jack. I enjoy an unpredictable Jack.

But, really, there should be some kind of warning on your fic if, while in bed with his OC lover, he just up and murders his lover. Even if his OC lover is the enemy and Jack has been trying to con him while the lover has been trying to con Jack.

You had them semi-obsessed with each other. You had them become lovers. Then, after sex one night while they're talking, Jack rolls over and strangles him to death. And then leaves and goes back to Ianto.

What the fuck was that in an otherwise decent fic?

It's been a momentous 12 months here at LiveJournal. We crossed a capital T at Ten years young. And, like most precocious pubescents, we celebrated turning double digits by publishing our first book! Needless to say, we've experienced some major changes, both inside and out. Before we recap, we'd like to thank you for bearing with us as we've struggled through ungainly growth spurts, identity pangs, and, yes, the occasional blemish. We hope you'll continue to stand by us: We're gaining wisdom with maturity.

Stuff you liked

• Back in February, we placed a call for entries for our ten-year anniversary anthology in lj_turns10. In December (less than a year later!), we officially announced the publication of Live Journal: The First Decade. Featuring an inspired collection of writing, photographs, and artwork from the pages of LiveJournal history, the book has been selected by Blurb.com as a top staff pick! We are proud to have played host to so much talent over the years, and we thank our contributors for sharing their extraordinary work.
• We all love quirky surprises, but not when it comes to managing our account settings. This year we streamlined settings into one central account management area. No more pouring through FAQs to figure out how to control privacy settings, modify notifications, adjust mobile settings, or update contact information!
• Being users ourselves, we realize our own mothers couldn't find us on LiveJournal based on our usernames and userpics alone (*heaves heavy sigh of relief*). But since there are times when we actually want to be found, we created a search tool--Find Your Friends--to help locate people by email address (it's in the Friends drop-down menu).
• Spam counter-attack: The war against vicious malware and spambots reigns eternal, but we've been making serious inroads to ensure your online security. We've established new protocols, such as requiring email address validations. We've grown more savvy about ferreting out suspicious behavior. We've added features, like whitelisting, to help you protect your communities. Our valiant (i.e., overworked) spam avengers (a/k/a the LiveJournal ops team) are standing on red alert so you can sleep safely at night.
• After an intensive beta, we launched My Guests at the end of the year, which lets you see who's been hanging around your journal. A number of you have even discovered secret admirers (not all of whom are creepy)!
• Last, but by no means least, we want to thank our volunteers for providing invaluable support and feedback. Their Herculean efforts enable us to answer your questions more efficiently, identify spammers, reduce abuse, and deliver better features (through tireless testing). On behalf of the staff and the larger LiveJournal community, we are truly grateful for their diligence, intelligence, loyalty, and passion.

You got your fix

• We recently debugged a number of the oustanding issues with the rich text editor so your entries look great regardless of whether you know html. You can read more about text editors here.
• In response to user demand, we brought back international voice posting. For more info on voice posting, read here.
• At long last, we revived TxtLJ with Verizon. For more info on TxtLJ, check out the FAQ.

Paid features you enjoyed

• In December, we introduced My Stats, which provides detailed data on who's been viewing your entries as well as statistics on commenting, RSS requests, friending history, and more. Despite a few early glitches, the response has been extremely favorable.
• This year, we launched and improved Notes (i.e., the feature formerly known as Alias), which lets you add private comments on friends and commenters (it's in the Profile drop-down menu). This way you won't be caught red-faced when you strain to remember details about that wonderful LiveJournal friend who sent you a birthday vGift. For more info, read the FAQ.
• When we first announced View friends pages by date, we thought it would be a quiet, minor enhancement. The rave reaction floored us, which made us all very happy. We gave it a fine tuning in February of 2009, so it's even better!
• How embarrassing! It appears pingbacks have gone back to the shop for service. We’ll keep you posted. We didn't know just much you liked pingbacks until it went in for service. It's back and, judging by your irritation when it wasn't available, this is good news. FYI, pingbacks send instant notifications (via screened comments) whenever someone links to one of your entries on LiveJournal. For more info, read this entry in paidmembers or check out the FAQ.

Mixed reviews

• The search is still on. Some of you have reported getting more comprehensive results for keyword searches using the new Yandex search engine and like the ability to search within content categories (like entries or comments). Others have not been satisfied with the relevancy of search results. Please be patient. We're still tweaking this product.
• This past December, we wanted to try out a new holiday promotion. Given the crap economy, we decided to offer our Paid/Permanent users a stack of $10 coupons to send to Basic/Plus users for paid account upgrades. We hoped you would like it. And some of you did, but many were disappointed that we didn't offer Give More as well. We want to thank you so much for letting us know. Your input will help us plan better in the future. Just FYI, Paid/Permanent users can continue to send out coupons through January 15th. Coupons can be redeemed through January 31, 2010.
• We were pretty excited about Your Journal Your Money, which allows Paid/Permanent users to earn extra cash by displaying Google ads to Basic/Plus and logged out users. A number of you tried it. Some of you really like it. Others, not so much. (Just FYI, Paid/Permanent users who do not participate in this program will not view ads on journals. Participants will see ads on their own journal, but won't see them on other journals unless they specifically opt in.) For additional details, visit here.
• We relaunched m.livejournal.com, our mobile app. While it offers a nicer UI and enhanced functionality, some of you think we can do better on load times. Like most of us, it's a work in progress. You can customize your mobile settings here. For more info, please read the FAQ.

Missing Inaction

• We shudder to bring up the neon purple elephant squatting on our heads, but, yes, we didn't give you those a la carte userpics. We've been making radical improvements to our backend in order to support them. But no excuses. We know you want them. We cringe every time you mention them. We're sorry we dropped the ball on this, and we promise to do our best to get them to you in 2010.

Stumbling points

• Back in early August, we experienced outages related to a series of DDoS attacks. We are proud to report that we were down a total of one hour over the course of a few days. We thank our heroic ops guys for getting us up sooner and more consistently than any of our less fortunate social networking friends. We apologize for leaving you temporarily stranded.
• A couple of months back, we offered a free, unrestricted vGift, which induced a snowflake cookie avalanche. This resulted in backed up/delayed notifications, which, in turn, led us to reboot systems, rendering scrapbooks unavailable. It took a while to shovel free. Apologies for the inconvenience. We learned a valuable lesson that should keep us calamity-free in the future (fingers crossed while knocking on wood).
• That darn Best Buy ad. First off, we're sorry about the audio auto-play (we got it turned off as quickly as possible). While it's true that we'll continue to show this type of ad to accounts that normally see them (never to Paid/Permanent accounts), we'll make sure the sound defaults to off moving forward. We promise to do our very best to keep ads to a minimum on LiveJournal, while keeping a roof over Frank's head.

Full steam ahead!

As we plunge headfirst into the next decade, we want to take a moment to look back and thank all of our employees, both past and present, who have worked so hard to create our unique and magical universe. We couldn't have made it this far without you: Your contributions brighten our path everyday. We also want to extend our heartfelt appreciation to each and every one of you. Whether you've been around for ten days or ten years, your humor, intelligence, talent, and creativity are what makes this the most vibrant global community on the Internet (the best place on the Web, in our humble opinion). Here's hoping that 2010 will be the greatest year yet! We thank you for joining us as we embark upon another glorious decade of LiveJournal history!